Can We Talk About Female Bullies Please?

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I’m not trying to steal focus from the patriarchy and all but I spent most of my life terrorized by other women and I don’t feel like I hear enough about that. I can’t be the only one with a sordid history of being bullied by women, both young and old. I have been on the receiving end of some serious ass hate crimes. Well, not officially the legal definition of hate crime but women have been pretty brutal.

In my first year of law school they taught us the common law offenses. These are crimes that don’t come from statute but are passed over from jolly old England. When I learned about them I remember thinking — wait, some of these happened to me, #metoo.

False imprisonment

Restraint of another person that confines them to a bounded area.

I was at a friend’s house with another gal, let’s call her “Misty.” (I’m changing her name to protect her innocence but there wasn’t much that was innocent about her if you ask me as the story will show). A movie I was afraid of watching, “Flowers in the Attic,” came on TV and I told Misty that I was scared and didn’t want to watch it. She found this amusing and wanted to force me to watch it. I guess so she could witness my terror? You know how psychopaths are. Anyway, I got up to leave the room and she blocked the door. I tried to move around her and she wouldn’t let me. She was very athletic and stronger than me and we both knew I couldn’t overpower her. I threatened to break something in the room if she wouldn’t let me out but we both new it was an empty threat because it wasn’t her house. I had to stay in there with her until she grew bored of belittling me.

Assault and Battery

Putting someone in fear of an unwanted touching and battery is the actual unwanted touch

So one time this girl threw a baseball at my face. A literal baseball at my actual face. And she was strong too so when it hit me it hurt, like a mother-f**cker. It was not on accident and it was not a joke. She was standing only 8 feet away from me. And she was on the community softball team, the second best play on the team actually. I bled. My face swelled. For the next two weeks I walked around school with a busted lip. To be fair, this was the same girl who locked me in the…